Waking the Cadaver
Waking the Cadaver is an incredibly shitty slam death metal band consisting of five homophobic wiggers who, like all wiggers, are totally oblivious to the fact that they are white people who dress like stereotypical black people. They are notable solely for their song "Chased through the Woods by a Rapist", which is famous for the classic line "SHREDDED WHEAT", which has caused many lulz across teh interwebz. Or the internet, if you're not an EDiot. They are also pioneers of the wigger slam subgenre of deathcore, but that's not a particularly good thing. Frontman Don Campan is also known for advertising useless shit just to get money. For extra hilarity, on that article, read the defence of Waking the Cadaver by the one known as "Eat Me", who is probably just Don Campan hiding behind internet anonymity and a pink tutu. It should be noted here that, despite their placement on this site, Waking the Cadaver are not a metal band. They are deathcore, which is a genre of hardcore punk, as opposed to metal, because it ends with "-core". This is inarguable proof that Waking the Cadaver have more in common with punk than metal, and as such they are not metal. This means you're not a metalhead if you listen to them, because real metalheads don't listen to anything other than metal. Formation and Early Days Waking the Cadaver was formed in late 1999 by vocalist Don Campan and guitarist Rob Wharton while listening to a Limp Bizkit record. They decided to form a band that would combine the visual aesthetics of Limp Bizkit with the slamming br00tality111!! of Devourment (more like rip them off). After performing a few totally improvised gigs, and getting booed off the stage, the two wiggers realised that they needed more than just a guitarist and a vocalist to make a death metal band. They hired drummer Dennis Morgan, who was working as a roadie for Eminem, to... well, perform drums. Come on, what the fuck else is a drummer going to do? Go off and form their own band? Not likely. The "band" performed a few more gigs. With the assistance of their drummer, they attracted a handful of fans who happened to be retarded scene kids. These kids were getting pretty bored of trying to be BROOTAL by listening to Cannibal Corpse, and so they turned to a much shittier band. Following this approval from a bunch of pathetic losers, the "band" went into the basement of their friend, Mike Mayo, to record their first EP. When they released this self-titled EP, it garnered them lots of underground credibility from hipsters who listened to obscure bands to look cool, regardless of whether that band was actually any good or not. Debut Album and Mainstream Selling Out Success In 2004, the three-strong band were falling on hard times. Mike Mayo's parents had moved out of the house due to the huge pile of dirty socks in his room, and the four friends were forced to live in Mayo's basement, eating twinkies and drinking each-other's urine. After a whole two years of living like retarded pigs, Mayo, the only vaguely sensible one, suggested that they get their act together. The "band" did this by hiring Mayo as a bassist, despite not being able to play an instrument; following the recruitment of Mayo, the band wrote new material which they subsequently performed live in January 2007, at their first gig since 2001. They received untold praise from scene fags, to the point that they started to have problems with their newfound fanbase. One such fag fan, Steve Vermilyea, was so obsessed with the band that he and four large gay black men captured Wharton and raped him with a microphone. Following Rob's recovery, the band tried to hire security, but they were turned away because they were fags. Meanwhile Vermilyea, who had really fucking weird eyes, continued to stalk the band, except by now he had abandoned the gay black men and become a white supremacist. Eventually, Campan and Morgan confronted the weird-eyed rapist and had a slap fight before Vermilyea decided to join the band as the new bassist, replacing Mayo, who became the guitarist. Wharton recovered, and became a secondary guitarist. Since the band had no idea how lead and rhythm guitars worked, they just used Mayo for all the important guitar bits and Wharton for relentless chugging. In 2008, the band released their debut album, Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler, which sucked. But it did bring them to a much wider audience of scene fags, as well as mockery from trolls with the SHREDDED WHEAT song. Lots of people took notice of the band and their faggy attitude, but most just noticed a bunch of wiggers burping and paid no attention. Some of these non-paying-attention people did pay attention, which is extremely confusing, and they gave Waking the Cadaver's unique brand of "music" a new genre, the aforementioned "wigger slam". Naturally, the band members were unaware that they were wiggers, and they were angry at the fact that people were just telling the truth, so they came up with the bullshit genre name "slamming gore groove". Which is basically an alternate, and far harder to say, name for "wigger slam". The Future Waking the Cadaver died of AIDS. The end...or was it? ***SPOILER ALERT*** It wasn't. They were resurrected as zombies, but the lame ones like from Warm Bodies. And they put out two more lame shitface albums that involved facefucking each other and passing it off as death something. And scene fuckheads ate those up too. Because no one knew any fucking better. Well, some knew fucking better. Sergeant D was one. He spoke out against the zombies and their wigger slam, only to have Zombie Campan threaten buttrape because he cannot concieve of any better. His dumbfuckery was only proven further when the interwebz exposed his corpse as a shill for the Amway pyramid conspiracy, along with his misguided belief that women want to buy off-brand cosmetics from the man zombie who wrote "Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist". And then it got worse (or better, if you're in the general public) with the discovery that Zombie AIDS was not only real, but created by regular AIDS patients becoming zombies. Of course, Waking the Cadaver were infected, as were all the scene zombies from Warm Bodies they slept drank piss with. In 2014, Zombie Campan finally broke up into pieces from the disease, and with the rest of the band soon following suit and losing their ability to jack off on their instruments, the band broke up ahead of the impending permadeath of the zombies. Category:Assholes Category:Made of Fail Category:Nu metal bands Category:Deathcore bands Category:Groove metal bands